When I was a kid it wasn't uncommon to hear someone say: "Sticks and stones will break my bones, but names will never hurt me," or "I'm rubber; you're glue; whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you." Today, I know that it isn't that simple; that these sayings were simplistic defense mechanisms, taught to us by adults, a naive attempt to temper the hurt inflicted by words.
I know that words are powerful, and while bones can break, they do heal; meanwhile, the damage done by words can often have devastating consequences. It has become all too commonplace to see news stories of teens who have committed suicide because they were unable to stand up to the onslaught of hateful words directed at them by their peers.
One of the concepts that we have been working on with our students in Humanities is non-violent communication. I believe that we, as a society, need to make a concerted effort to learn how to communicate in a more open and non-violent manner. Since, I need to change myself before I change the world I will be attempting to communicate more non-violently. My first course of action will be to not make fun of people; this will include limiting my use of sarcasm, as it can often be mean-spirited and hurtful. I want to stop cursing. I need (and want) to be more conscious of the words I use, and how I use them. I am going to try to think about how I would feel if those words were directed at me. Hopefully, this will allow me think before I speak. Finally, that last element of this experiment will require me not to raise my voice, as yelling can be construed as an act of violence.
After two days, I have felt I difference in how I am communicating. I feel calmer, and I feel more in control. I have noticed that I am being more deliberate with my speech, taking the time to think about the words I am using. This "think before you speak" has also helped me curb my sarcasm. Often after I am sarcastic, I feel guilty because, while what I said might have been funny, it was humor at the expense of someone else.
I have also been doing well on not cursing, something my mother will be happy to learn. I caught myself once this afternoon, but rather than make a big deal about it I simply made a mental note that I could have chosen a more appropriate word. I think by recognizing my shortcomings and not dwelling on them it will go a long way in keeping the positive momentum of change happening.
So far the hardest part has been not raising my voice. On face value this seems simple enough, but having a loud voice in a high school classroom can often help in the fine art of classroom management. To help with this I have informed my classes of the nature of my experiment, giving them a heads up that my volume will not be compensating for theirs. This seemed to work for the most part, and I only felt the urge to raise my voice a couple of times in my morning Humanities class.
Hi Scott,
ReplyDeleteVery nice post. It's wonderful that your students (Devin, my son is among them) have such a mindful teacher. In my assessment of the American Zeitgeist as reflected in the media, for example, there is a general tendency toward cruel humor, sarcasm, cynicism, and general apathy, as perceived to be "hip," while warmth is frowned upon as corny. Needless to mention the gross, dense aspects of verbal violence have always been prevalent one way or another, but the declining social milieu cultivates it on subtle meme-levels. Thank you for the thoughtful post.
-David (TantraWave)
While I do believe that non-violent communication can make the difference in how we treat each other, I also believe that we need to somehow inspire others to believe more in themselves; to teach them to think more for themselves and listen to their own beliefs, not the pointless ridicule of others. And while it is true that words can be very powerful, I do not believe that sayings like "sticks and stones will break my bones, but names will never hurt me” are truly naive, just that they are only as powerful as the self-esteem of the user.
ReplyDeleteI agree with both Scott and Taylor. I believe both of these skills are important to learn. While non-violent communication is in fact an invaluable skill to have, sometimes, those mind games work. It's an example of showing the mind a reality that isn't there, but if the mind only perceives that reality, it goes with it. A good example is with accents, Different areas of the world have populations which say the same words, but with different inflections. For example, as an Oregonian, I may be inquired as to how I say certain words by someone who lives in say, Canada. And likewise, I would also not be used to their way of speaking. But over time, in an environment where everyone speaks a different accent, I would probably start speaking similarly. This is how those "sticks and stones" phrases work. If you keep telling yourself that you aren't hurt by that comment, then eventually you won't be. The next time a hurtful comment is made, you will, out of habit, go back to that train of thought.
ReplyDeleteThe one flaw to this is that it requires repetition, a distraction-free environment to think about what has happened, and even then doesn't always work. These flaws are precisely why I don't think you should ever rely on just the "sticks and stones" mindset. It helps to remind yourself that the person who has directed a violent or hurtful statement towards you didn't mean it, or wasn't listening, or maybe even wasn't aware of what they were staying. Non-violent communication is the way to building relationships and solving conflicts, where the "sticks and stones" mindset is more of a supplement to that. A resource to help later process what has just happened.
In response to “Jly93” (no idea what your real name is), allow me to clarify what I meant by me saying that the “sticks and stones” approach is not truly naive; I believe that sayings like “sticks and stones” are simplistic defense mechanisms to be used against “simple” hurtful statements. If some random bully starts calling me names because he doesn't like what I wear, what I believe in, or just the dumb look on my face, then he will be ignored; he will have to break my bones to get my (and the polices) acknowledgement, because I know that the only point of his hurtful statement is to make me feel bad about myself. But when the hurtful statement comes from someone that knows you better, someone you respect, then it is a bit too complicated for you to take a “sticks and stones” approach. The reason why I felt this needed to be clarified is because you stated that one of flaws of this approach was that it requires a “distraction-free environment to think about what has happened,” and to this I believe that you really only need to process what happened if someone you know or respect directs a hurtful statement at you, not as much for some random bully making fun of you.
ReplyDeleteReading this, I think I have a better understanding of the changes in your ways of teaching, Scott, and how much it means to you. I do agree that repeating the "sticks and stones" saying builds character; you have to exercise a muscle in order for it to become stronger. I also do agree that everyone should be making a conscious effort in building up others with their words, instead of tearing them down. Not letting a rude persons comment effect you can give just as much satisfaction as knowing your words made someone else feel good about themselves, rather than bad. I'm reminded of a saying my aunt often uses with her children; "If it doesn't build them up, it can only tear them down"
ReplyDeleteI think it's great that your trying to teach nonviolent communication. I wish more teachers thought to practice nonviolent communication and promote it, especially in elementary schools amongst the younger children (that time where kids are still learning what is right and wrong). It's better to set the message early before it becomes routine.
ReplyDeleteI believe that in today's society it's become more common to solve our problems and take out our frustrations out on others by raising our voices and using foul language to get our views across. Many people don't view this is as wrong because it's become a normal and almost routine way of their life.
I say this, because I, personally live in an environment where people like to raise their voice to release their frustrations and make a point. I, too, even do so, but in the doing I realize how bad it makes me feel.
I'm still "young enough" that I haven't made swearing or yelling at people a habit, but if nonviolent communication was addressed back when my brother was in elementary school( late 1980's)he probably wouldn't feel the need to now yell or throw an adult tantrum when things don't go his way.
I cuss like a sailor. Does that mean I'm a bad person? Do poeple take my words as something violent? I don't mind when other people say "bad" words. And if they are directed at me, I either walk away or punch them in the face. It depends on whether I think they're up for kicking my...um-okay, for the sake of the blog- butt, or not. If they're just throwin' words around, I don't care if they call me a ***** or whatever. But, if they really mean it and they're out to get me, I'm gonna throw a lot nastier things back if I feel I have to defend myself. That's just how I've learned to do things. But, I hardly ever direct any of my cursing at anybody. It's only if I'm really mad at 'em, which don't happen a whole lot. Or ever, really.
ReplyDeleteBut, if somebody's trying to hurt me, am I supposed to try to be nice to them? I'm not sure I understand. I agree that people should try to be nice to people. But, if somebody's aimin' to knife you, I say give 'em hell. Or run as fast as you can if they're far enough away that they can't catch you.
Christina, I think that Scott's point about limiting the way he uses cuss words is that, in any context, they have a very powerful effect. Cussing is often perceived as anger, because many people think that you can't find another way to get your point across. On the other hand, society has made it an every day and almost expected way of talking. By taking a Gandhi approach to living, Scott is aiming to be very different from everyone else, and their picked up and expected habits. Which, of course, includes cussing.
ReplyDeletePeople don't think you're a bad person when you cuss. I would actually argue that, more often than not, they don't give it a second thought. Also, when someone attempts to hurt you with words, it's because they actually have a beef with you, or they simply don't think about releasing their hurt in a positive way. Which reminds me of something Scott said about thinking before he spoke.
I agree with and believe that watching what you say will have an impact on the people around you, bringing step one of the "Be the change you want to see in the world" philosophy into play.
After all, if it's expected to cuss in common conversations, how differently will people think of you if you reject that expectation? I'm not saying that everyone should up and stop cussing because it's somehow "bad for your mojo", because I cuss like a sailor myself. But showing people that you're different by rejecting something as simple as society's expectation of your sailor mouth, may or may not make them stop and think "Hey, I wanna be different from everyone else, too." Which is exactly what Gandhi was aiming for, living the way he did.
Change.
I agree with your statement about how "sticks and stones will break my bones, but names will never hurt me," is just a simple defense mechanism. When I was younger, there was a girl that teased me to no end. I always said things like that just to make myself think that it didn't hurt, but it did. When I got older, my mom started dating a woman that was mentally abusive. She cut down all the confidence that I had built up since my childhood bully. That mantra didn't help me then. Things get more and more complicated as you get older. It takes a lot to work through a problem that was caused by someone's mean words. For some people, it takes time to realize that words really do hurt.
ReplyDeleteI really appreciate your goal to think about the words that you speak before you say them. And, it's easy to understand the negative impacts of nasty and hurtful words. What's not so apparent to people is the impact of simply raising your voice. My dad was having trouble explaining this concept to one of his co-workers that would raise his voice whenever he would get excited. Customers in trainings would act threatened or be afraid to ask questions and then leave unhappy when he would raise his voice. TO help explain why yelling threatens people even if you don't mean it in a harmful way he used the analogy of a staircase. If you put the progression of anger on a staircase most people understand that as the anger escalates up the stairs yelling/screaming comes just before the step of being physically violent. When my dad's co-worker jumps to the step of yelling there is no way for his customers to know in their instincts that he won't go to the violent step no matter how well intentioned he is. Taking the time to realize this will make him a more approachable trainer in the office. Just like his trainees, if students don't feel comfortable in class or don't feel comfortable asking questions then this inhibits learning. Thank you for taking this step to help not only yourself and family, but also your students. :)
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